parental advisory

Potato Bagging

2006-11-28T11:09:00.000-05:00

Start whine.

I'll admit it here and now. My Thanksgiving vacay sucked ass. Mom threw up all over my mother in laws carpet (which WAS kinda funny). My parents fought in the back of the car, and I'm pretty sure mom slapped the shit out of dad. There are so many problems. It sucked it just sucked. I'm waiting for the impending divorce. Just sitting back and waiting. This was the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Beyond feeling like a walking zombie, I'm getting ready to move. Again. This life is stressful and I'm tired. I'm tired of trying so FUCKING hard. I'll admit it, I'm damn pissed and it's going to be a while before I feel like myself again.

End whine.

EXCERPTS

2006-10-16T15:14:00.000-04:00

Fuck. I put a huge DENT in my husband's car. It's the worst dent. I just, I was just, I was only pulling out of a parking spot and there was this this this fucking pole that I couldn't see and and OH GOD.
Oh yeah and the getting stuck in the elevator. What the hell? I'm being all good and working all hard (some chick is on her honeymoon so I'm covering) and I get stuck in the elevator at the worst point in the day. The point in the day where I can't seem to run around the building fast enough and get enough done. Not a good time for a break, not a good time. Was I scared? No, not really..it was just....it was like I was in a movie. I wanted to yell, "oh my god I'm having my baby!" In fact, for the first 10 min. I couldn't stop giggling--it was so rediculous. People were cramming poles through the doors (weird week for poles) trying to pry them open and yelling for me to "pulll!!"
Oh yeah, I'm also going to be on the label for Lemon big brand name Iced Tea. I'll let you know when it comes out. It's all me all spazzy and shiznit. The chick in the skirt--you'll know it's me. The label actually kind of looks like an ipod commercial. Long story about how I got on the label--actually, don't know if I can say anything legally so let me leave it at that.
Oh, and this is kind of pathetic but I've been working out really hard for a while now. I can finally run 2 miles...working my way up to three. Hey, I was a lazy sod for a while.
Bryberry Crunchinator is finally home from a week in Brea. I better have a gift when I get home. Chocolate, or wine, or hotel soaps at least.
um, Oktoberfest in Newport this weekend, the Wrens are playing at Southgate in October, going to Madison and Appleton next weekend. BC turns 31 on the 5th--holy shit my husband is getting hotter!! I can't wait until he starts getting spots of grey in his hair-*drool*
Chicks at work took me out to Deweys today for pizza type food. Nice place, good service, stomach bloating calzone...great time.

Mooom!!!

2006-08-26T11:20:00.000-04:00

My mom likes to believe that she can play the drums. Gloriously. If she hears a song she likes she goes into fits of air drumming and air baton twirling. It's fantastically embarrassing.

Last weekend, mom and dad were drinking, a lot, at home. Mom decided she should go down to the basement for a little drum session. This is my brother's drum kit and she happily bangs on it when it suits her.

I don't know why, but, she decided to play the drums naked!! Well, not completely naked. She donned a cowboy hat.

Upstairs my dad heard a knock on the door. It was the neighbor, and she was explaining that her husband was trying to sleep. She wanted my mom to stop playing the drums.

I guess my dad forgot to tell my mom the news. No matter, mom decided to come back upstairs anyway. She cranked up some music (probably REO Speedwagon, or Styx) and started dancing. Mind you, still naked.

Apparently the music was loud too, because the neighbor came by again. This time instead of coming to the front door. She came to the deck door, upstairs. A big sliding glass door. She didn't knock, she just cupped her hands around her face and looked in.

Mom was pretty embarrassed. I think it's just really funny.

It's Freezing In Here

2006-08-26T10:58:00.001-04:00

Uggh. I turned the air conditioning off. It's fucking freezing in here.

It's Freezing In Here

2006-08-26T10:58:00.000-04:00

Uggh. I turned the air conditioning off. It's fucking freezing in here.

As Seen On Tevee

2006-06-14T16:55:00.000-04:00

I'm giggling. Oh yes. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard of. 2 of the whitest dorkiest most un-urban tools in an ad for something with the word urban IN it.

What could this workout possibly consist of? Is it like step? Oh c'mon. You totally know what step is. I need to see this on tv. I NEED to.

And what is up with that chicks hair? It's so....severe. My god. This workout must be intense if she has to put her hair up that hard.

I want to see that big guy do urban rebounding. IN fact, I would like to see him do urban anything. Glorious. Simply glorious.

It's nice to know that if I were 4 and shaped like a cantaloupe, that urban rebounding would be fun for me.

I could go all day.....

Orange Fairy

2006-05-23T14:19:00.000-04:00

I stayed with my in-laws last weekend. They are nothing like my parents. They have two bathrooms on the upstairs. I happened to shower in the one off their bedroom.
While getting ready, I noticed that I had an orange in my bag. I usually carry fruit around so this was not unusual.
I decided it would be fun to leave the orange on the in-laws nightstand. They weren't home so it would be like a little treat for them later.
When my mother in-law asked where the orange came from I played dumb and watched her panic. She kept saying, "Someone was in our house! Who would leave an orange?"
I'm not kidding. She really thought that some criminal had broken into the house and left an orange. She was really frightened. I couldn't stop laughing.
"It's not funny. Someone was in our house!" She yelled.
I waited a day before I admitted it was me.

I'll just list some stuff about me.

2006-04-18T16:26:00.000-04:00

1. I now spend a ton more time on Myspace...I'm:biscuity.
2. I want a new car...which my last post on myspace will inform you.
3. I'm always hungry as I'm trying to lose weight.
4. The quitting smoking thing kind of failed. I don't mind. I don't smoke nearly as heavily.
5. My hair looks best two weeks after a fresh haircut and color.
6. I don't like pooing in public restrooms...EVER.
7. I am really irresponsible when it comes to doing laundry. I have piles of dirty clothes.
8. I think I may be addicted to ordering stuff online. Clothes, makeup, Cd's. I've done that combination in the last 8 days.
9. I have an obsessive nature. Right now it's Wil Wheaton and this Eion guy from IFC.
10. I wish I got more exercise, but, once I get out of work all I want to do is eat and watch tv. PATHETIC.
11. I have an hour long lunch at work and I spend it eating alone. Today I walked out to my car just to waste time.

That's all I feel like writing for now.

View

2006-04-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

So much has happened it the past month! I got a new job that I love! I work for an uber cool design firm.

I'm still have not finished my coursework towards my HR degree so I had to get a job that utilized some of my past experience. After banging on doors for 4 months and turning down numerous offers, I finally got the job I wanted.

Yes, I am a lowly receptionist. A really well paid receptionist with a great view and a wicked cool lobby to work in. Stop. A really cool building to work in. This job does not create much stress at all and I never leave cranky. I love it here!

The people here are hip and funny and sweet--which is what I aspire to be.

There are no parking issues, I have 3 weeks paid time off to start with and really really good free coffee. I know, I know. It's like a dream.

I don't have to listen to people in my freakin' ear all day! It's amazing. Nobody is annoying!

Bryan is really getting into his new job. Seems like he's got a good rhythm down. He spent all of last week at a conference in California and is doing a presentation today in Ky. I'm so very proud of my husband!

Now that we're starting to understand Cincinnati a bit more, we've started looking at houses again. Of course, we can't buy a house here until we've sold our house in A-town, but that's cool.
It's amazing to see how far we've come in such a short time.

We really are kicking smoking's ass. We're still using the patch, but the cravings don't really hit us anymore. It's great to smell that you smell good you know?

Other than that....kids are in the future, not sure when....somedays I'm all about them and somedays not at all. I have more days where I do not want kids, so it'll be a while.

I'm totally addicted to Morningstar Farms ribs. So, I guess I really like tofu and bbq sauce, which is weird because I really haven't eaten real ribs in over 20 yrs. Maybe I like them because I can eat them with a fork.

Anywhoozlebees.

Back to work

This Dude

2006-03-03T17:43:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I moved to MN. for a short time. I was suffering from a recent break-up and decided to go onto match.com to meet people.

I ended up meeting someone and only met with him twice. I thought it would be insightful to show you a couple of emails he had sent me. Obviously it didn't work out. Oh, and I should mention....I had an unhealthy obsession with Twinkies at the time.

heeeeeeeY Andrea!Just got off the phone with yay'! Sorry I was, was,was,,,so very...BORING! ahahaha- the phone is not myfavorite mode of communication, yarg, but usually I ama bit more lively...just wanted to say hi more orless...indeed, I was a bit, like, down and out lastweek, a bit bummed and such, and our latest weatherhere in the Sota that is Minne didn't help! AG!*scream* But today I am coming to, surely enough.anyways...um um um...again, sorry to hear that you arenot feeling well *sends you some psychic soup and aget well twinkie(honey roasted no less)* indeed. itwould seem that everybody I know is getting sick andwhat not. yes yes. For some strange reason they are.Not sure why. Just wanted to say hi again :)Must get to class soon, however...Chat with you later :)sincerly,Christopher James
************************************************************************
Andrea, Hey you! I got your fax! haha! I sent one back aswell, I hope thats not a problem or anything. Just aquick note I wrote out. The pic with you and yourfriends turned out alright, but the smaller one on toplooked like you in a pitch black room. But I get thegeneral idea as to what you look like. Indeed you lookcute and attractive and approvable. Killer smile fromwhat I can tell. Usually when the phone rings at work,and I pick it up and its that peircing fax-coming-insound I cringe and and and AG! But today I was like,woah! maybe this will finally work, you faxing me andall! I plugged in the machine right away this morning.Indeed. Right now I am taking a bit of a break fromwork, which is alright and all. I get payed to takepeople to movies and out to eat and stuff, just took acouple of people I take care of to see Harts War. Itt'was alright I suppose, one of thosebest-to-wait-for-video films. Indeed. Tis' good to hear that you adhere to good hygeneas well, and again, you look approvable :) Peoplehave always told me that I'm attractive (and some havetold me very, I guess) and all that, but I don'tbelieve them! AG! :o) *tee-hee* I get that from my biological dad, he is a handsomefellow and doesn't really think he is and all of that.Indeed, him and I are two of a kind. He didn't raiseme though, my biological dad. I was adopted, but methim a couple years back. Tis' kind of a long story Iwill share if you would like to hear. Could have beenon Oprah, maybe not. I am paying again. :) Not quite 10 cents, but 20!Yag! Kinkos! *BARGLE!* ?!?!?!If 10 cents was sweet is 20 cents a minute twice thesweeter?! How many sweet points have a scored?*tosses you imaginary teddy bear with twinkie wrappedin its bow-tie*HA!*lalala*it's nice out today, very nice. Wishing I had more ofa chance to enjoy it, to run around and such. Oh well.uh-oh. talking about weather.isn't that a bad thing?Sorry to hear you had a hectic day as well yesterday,I usually don't mind busy days to a certain point,but, yeah. Sorry also to hear you had a bit ofcrankiness, but indeed we all do from time to time. Iwas feeling a bit that way last night, kind of in abit of a tired-grumpy mood, but I ran down the block acouple times and took it cool in my apartment, whichdid the trick I guess.anyways...responding to your last e-mail further, I get excitedwhen I see your e-mails as well. :) You are fun towrite to and your e-mails always fun to read. You havea great sense of humor too. I think our humor issomewhat similiar. Indeed. I think some people don'tget my humor sometimes, it can be dry and a bit offthe wall. *twinkie throw*Every time I throw you an imaginary twinky, pretendyou're eating one! It will be a psychic twinkie thing!*throws eight twinkies*twinkies without guilt!*throws a giant vat full of countless twinkies*That will keep you busy for a while! :)I better be going as of now. If you want to attempt tofax again I will be at work until 8 pm and againtommorow from 10 am to 8 pm. I would give yay' a call, but I have no phone cards!:)Later,Christopher (Chris-toe-fur)akaThe Sacred MongooseakaShy Owl
***********************************************************************
Pretty cute, huh?
So, I am sending him *pyschic* good vibes in hopes that he has indeed found "the one."
Some day I should write about the first time we met in person. Until then...don't be afraid to put a personal profile and a matchmaking website. I'll never regret meeting the Shy Owl even though we had no sexual chemistry.
ADP

Why did you eat a bowl of turds?

2006-02-20T14:23:00.000-05:00

I think this title is funny. Fuck you. It's funny. Shut up.

Ever since we quit smoking I have decided that I smell pretty good and noticed that my husband does not like to brush his teeth. Oh, of course if he has to leave the apt., he does it up. However, if he is not leaving...he neglects his teeth. I don't know why.

Two nights ago after we gave eachother kisses before falling asleep I asked him if he had, in fact, eaten a bowl of turds before bed.

Why are boys so stinky?

Then again, it's really annoying when men are really picky and tidy. That's really annoying. I'd rather have a stinky boy than a boy with a stick up his ass.

LL, have you ever met a boy who was super clean and had to have everything in it's right place? That annoys the fuck out of me. Life is too short.

Sure, Bry is weird about some stuff. He has to have his t-shirts folded a certain way and he can iron the same pair of pants for an hour. He won't do the dishes, but he has no problem critiquing my dishwashing skills. He's weird and stinky...like a real man. Not some creepy weirdo that I'm afraid might murder me with a cleaver if I leave my underwear hanging off of the headboard.

I'm really just rambling here.

I'm using the patch to help quit the smoking habit. It's helping tremendously. Although, I'm scared because I cannot continue to wear the patch forever. Some side effects....headaches most of the day and horrible nightmares.

I had a dream that after having sex I would immediately give birth to a baby. We had like 9 babies lined up on our bed as we had sex. Two babies came out abnormaly so we gave them to my mother in law to take care of. When I asked my husband how they were doing, he told me they had died. Then I checked for the other babies on the bed to see how they were fairing and they were all dead too. Then I woke up. I tore the patch off and slept much better.

Pretty fucked up huh?

Yeah, I woke up and my husband was lying next to me watching a movie..."The Aristocrats." Those comedians are shit. I went to sleep just so I could stop watching it. Gross, disgusting premise.

We went to a great restaurant on Saturday. It is located in the Gas Light District which is where we'd like to end up. Gorgeous area!! Anyway, I had two glasses of wine with dinner and was completely smashed! I was so used to smoking with alcohol that I didn't know how to time sips. I think we were the loudest table in the restaurant. I think we even argued about whether or not we should have dessert. We had to have had a good buzz going. What sober person argues about dessert?

The in-laws are coming the weekend of March 10th. They will get here Thursday at 1 in the morning. They are 10 years older than my parents and both teach. Well, Dad's retired, but whatever. I have nothing in common with them. Bryan is going to work all day Friday and I'm sure I'll be left to entertain. Crap! What do I do? Drive them around? I'll most surely get lost. I hope I have a job by then. I'm not trying to be evil....I just don't know how the hell to be an adult ALL THE TIME.

I want a cigarette. I need to put the patch on. Oh tasty tasty Marlboro Light...I miss you so....

Deep breathing

Snow Patrol

2006-02-12T11:52:00.001-05:00

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here
Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

I am not angry

2006-02-12T11:52:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to site some random happenings.

We went to Southgate house last night and saw GBV's Pollard. It was amazing. The encore was like an extra concert. The crowd kept throwing beer bottles on the stage and hit the drummer (john) in the face. Pollard drank liquor out of the bottle. He passed one bottle around to the crowd. I couldn't stop smiling.

It is time. We are quitting smoking. Tuesday...that is d-day. Tuesday 14th had been d-day since before Christmas. I hope I don't fail.

I applied for a job. The address posted was wrong. I ended up at the company's old address. I didn't know where I was. Luckily I had a cellphone so hubby researched and found the correct address and directed me until I got to the right place. Whew.

I cleaned the kitchen.

It snowed last night and it was beautiful. Dark sky's with frosted trees. We took a different way home from Ky and ended up on a windy stretch of highway infested with forest and cliff..it was absolutely stunning.

We couldn't stop talking about snow. We decided we could advertise snow. Here are some of my favorites from last night's convo:

Snow...'cause otherwise it's just balls.
Snow...because it's difficult to make grass angels.
Snow..it'll happen. If it's cold enough.
Snow..you can make it any color you want.

I'm sure there was better and more.

Hubby also came up with a great way to advertise an air mattress we keep seeing on an infomercial:

It's the most glorious mattress you'll ever bone somebody in somebody else's living room in.

If you say it aloud it's really fun. I think it's because of the extra "in."

mmmkay.

Southern Boy

2006-02-03T13:20:00.000-05:00

I'm getting ready to go jogging soon. That might be with a soft J, I don't know.
It's nice because there is a treadmill at the clubhouse. The only thing I don't like is clobbering away as these people in the office try to work. It helps to crank up my ipod, that way I don't feel as guilty.

Speaking of people at the office, there is this 1 maintenance guy that drives me insane. He's big and round and has a head of white hair. The first time he got under my skin, I had called him up to our place to fix some things. I told him that I was having difficulty moving in as I was left to unpack everything. He decided to say, "When you get your own house, you'll have to do all of this on your own."

Bryan was out of town so he wasn't hear to witness the comment. Of course I ignored the maintenance guy and didn't say anything. Although I did want to tell him that I do in fact own my own house and have done my own maintenance type work before. I might be wrong, but I thought we were paying rent so we didn't have to deal with the little things.

So, yesterday I decided to call maintenance again because our shower drains were clogged. We tried Drano with no luck. When I explained to him what he had tried he exclaimed, "Drano is really bad for your drains and it doesn't make it any fun for us either when people use it."

First of all, I'm not going to explain all the reasons why Drano IS NOT bad for your drains.

Second of all, I wanted to say to this guy, "I don't care whether or not it's fun for you. Just fix it. I don't need a talking to everytime I ask you to do something."

He's just an old man set in his ways. A good ole Southern boy who will never know the value of the modern woman. Seriously though, I'm not going to hesitate to mouth off to him next time. I'm pretty certain there will be a next time.

Thank God for Fela Kuti.

TALK

2006-01-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

How freakin' long can one person talk. Bry is on a conference call and I've been overhearing this 1 woman talk for a half hour straight. Jesus lady, take a breath. Blah, blah...document..blah...timeline..beep beep(someone entering the call)...Wow! Someone ELSE is talking now. Bet she can't wait to add in. Yep, oh there she is. Don't ask her any questions!

Tomorrow we will be in Cleveland. Yes, I get to play wifey again. This is my wife....my wife Andrea....yeah, that's my wife. Ugghh.

The last dinner I went to I had a few too many drinks. Nobody could tell that I really had a good buzz going, except for my husband. He told me to stick to a two drink minimum this time. We'll see. I may just do a bunch of shots right before dinner or order a bottle of wine and drink straight from it....all night.

Yeah, so that'll be exciting.

Everyone is going to ask me what I do. I hate that. Especially when I will have to reply with what I want to do, since I don't really do anything right now. Maybe I'll say that I'm really great at applying for jobs that I don't really want and that's how I spend my day. Or, I'll tell them I spend my days overhearing their super annoying conference calls. Or, that I'm really good at shaving my legs and applying makeup so that I can look good going to the laundromat.

Maybe it would be fun to challenge them all to a drinking contest. Do you think that would be okay with Bry?

And also, fucking Cleveland? Why would I want to go to Cleveland? DO NOT say Drew Carey (or however the fuck you spell it). I can't stand that guy. He ruins everything. He took a perfectly perfect British improv show and turned it into American slush. His sitcom sucked. He sucks. Suck it Drew.

Although I did hear there is a cool restaurant where the servers are dressed up as ninjas. I giggled just typing that.

Oh, yeah. We also met a pretty cool couple at Northside Tavern while playing pool. I think we are going to watch some bands with them tonight. Apparently some of their friends are playing. That might be kind of cool. Their names are Buffy and Josh. Buffy totally looks like a Buffy too. Short, skinny, chopped brunette hair, big doe eyes and talks con-stant-ly. Which is good, since I don't really warm up until I've had a few beers. They landscape and have been engaged for 3 years. Josh is a goofy fucker. Goofy fuckers are good.

Bry is going to be in Cleveland again on V day. Not a big deal. I may drive up to see him. 'Cause I'm all romantic. Every day is V day with us anyway. Although, I haven't gotten any flowers in a while.

Bry just proposed we go to the DMV right now. I don't want my picture taken today. Although, it may be necessary as we want to set up a check/save account here. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. The DMV should be called satan's asshole.

Later

2006-01-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

Living Room to Guest Room

2006-01-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when Bry is in his office, which means he's in the guest room about 20 ft away, I like to send him emails from the living room.

Any ideas about what I should write to him?

Cincinnati Kills

2006-01-18T12:18:00.000-05:00

We received our new sofa and loveseat yesterday. I'm very happy with them. Our place looks so much better than it did before. Although it was sad to get rid of our big brown sectional.

The big brown sectional has been in my family since I was born. When the family all lived in WI, we spent many holidays in the family room upon big brown. In fact, many of our holiday pictures feature one or all of us seated upon the bulky furniture.

If we had guests we would push the sectional together into the shape of an 'L.' This would serve as a comfy bed as long as the guest like lying crooked.

My mom and aunt are coming to visit this weekend and mom was planning on making a make-shift bed for herself with the old sofy.

Since we live on the third floor, getting rid of the sectional was a task and 3/4. There were three pieces; one long and two short. Since our garbage bin is about a mile away, we decided to balance each piece on a skateboard and roll it over. This was only after we let the larger long piece slide down three flights of stairs. I couldn't lift my end...it kept hitting my legs. Our neighbor was pissed.

It was a beautiful evening for skateboarding a sofa. Warm, a little humid and clear.

As hubby carried the two smaller pieces down the stairs himself, I proceeded to throw the cushions over the side of the highest landing onto the ground. I then smashed all of the cushions into his car. I filled up the trunk, backseat, and passenger seat with cushions. By the time I was finished I knew I wouldn't be able to see out of the back window. In fact the cushions were in the way of the gearshift and I had to fanagle a way into reverse.

By the time I finished driving over to the bin, my husband had already spoken to two men driving by in a truck. Apparently they thought it was a day bed. Bry asked them where they were 10 min. ago with their truck. The men said they had to go to CVS and would be back for big brown later.

I hope you've found a good home big brown. You've served my family well.

So, with our new sofa happily existing in our new apt. I decided to do a little shopping last night. I had no idea how hard it would be to find a new coffee table. I thought I could find one for around $100. No such luck. No luck at Target, Pier 1, Biggs or any other furniture store. Too expensive, not the right color. Damn.

As I trolled through the mall, I passed a kiosk. Alright..here we go...said the guy working. Hey, he yelled out to me. I bet you have a cell phone. I said yes. Who's it with? Cingular, I replied...and I have a contract. No...wait...I can save you money! I walked faster, wanting this scene to end and shouted..No, I have a contract, I'm good. My face turned beat red. I was totally embarrassed.

Then, on my way out I had to pass said kiosk again. This time dude yelled out..Have a good night. Oh, yeah, you too.

Why did he feel the need to do that? Why did he feel the need to shout out at me again. Why was I being picked on? I don't like being shouted at or called out in a public place. I'm not a dog. Fuck. I was so pissed. I was in a mall. Not a flea market or carnival. Nobody comes out of Old Navy and shouts..Hey, I bet you have a pair of jeans! I can save you money! If that were the case, I wouldn't go to the mall. I would shop online. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I bet that dick at the kiosk goes clubbing regularly. He's probably one of those dorks that hits on women by yelling crap at them as they walk by. Smooth dude. Real smooth.

Next time some asshole at a cellphone kiosk calls me out, I'm going to shout back. I HAVE A CELLPHONE! I'M ALSO NOT A DOG YOU YELL TO. I HOPE YOU'RE EMBARRASSED. It doesn't help that most cellphone kiosk employees are sleazy looking little fucks. It makes me hate them even more.

I need to find some plants.

I had a good day

2006-01-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

SO YEAH

got pulled over last night
cop says he's going to "take it easy on me"
he only gives me two fines one for suspended plates, one for suspended license... and is only going to give me a written warning for my loud muffler, and a written warning for my headlight that's out. The stipulation on these written warnings is that I must repair these problems, and send in a written statement that they are fixed within 15 days or else I will receive two more citations. All citations must be paid by Feb. 1 or a warrant for my arrest will be issued.

Doable??

Except the fact that in order to drive my car (which has NO license plates on it now) I must first pay my entirety of parking tickets ($600+) to reinstate my license plates which will be a fine ($50+) and then pay my two overdue tickets ($312) to reinstate my license ($50+) to legally take my car in to replace a muffler (that I obviously can't afford) and a head light.

SO

The officer is telling me that it is No problem... He is taking it easy on me, because it's simple. All I have to do in the next 15 days is pay about $1000 in fines, get my car fixed (another $200?) and THEN I can pay the only two citations you gave me.

If I was wealthy I wouldn't have been driving the fucking piece of shit car you pulled over.

CHRIST.

It's All Summery

2006-01-12T14:10:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful sunny 60 degrees here today. Windows open and fresh air! I love it!

Hubby is making a cheese pizza. He decided to throw some veggie breakfast sausage on it. I hope it tastes all right.

My mom and aunt are coming to visit next weekend. That should be interesting.

Um, what else?

We went to a bar this past weekend which featured a large picture of the Bee Gees. It's the creepiest thing ever. Granted, at first we didn't think it was the Bee Gees. We thought, at first, that it may be a self portrait. It still doesn't help that whoever painted the portrait has obvious homosexual tendencies. Are the Bee Gees gay?

Hubby said his pizza is good. I'm happy for him.

My meeting the other day went well. It looks like I'll have a new job soon!

A few days ago I went to various Target stores looking for new Star Wars action figures. Actually, I tagged along. Bry is obsessed with these little guys. I don't get it. I also can't stand Star Wars. I must love him.

How did I marry a nerd, you ask? My answer is, stealthiness. You have to have stealth. You also have to care about your hair.

Speaking of hair, I got a cut and color. Yeah, more gold tones, better bangs. My hair almost has a reddish tint to it now. It doesn't suck. It's getting long. Bry says he likes shorter hair. I told him that he secretly likes long hair. I know I'm right. There, I told you about my hair.

We've also been learning how to play racquetball. Let me tell you, it's not pretty. My backswing is horrendous. I'm sure I look like a monkey having a seizure.

Bry seems obsessed with hitting the ball hard and fast. This is scary to me. I'm positive that one of our matches will result in black eyes or bruised faces.

I wish Bry would tell the story of how he caught a peanut in a cup at the bar.

Daurffffferffff!!

2006-01-07T01:27:00.000-05:00

Fliggidy Derf. A dang dong. That's poetry. You gotta just type everything I say. Do it! ha ha hahahahahah.

And then, uh, over the river. Uha hahahah. Uh, yellow people and big hair dogs. They danced with no umbrellas. Period. Dynamite.

We spent some money. Well not reaLLY. wE WON SOME AT THE CASINO FIRST!!@ i HIT THE CAPS BAR. OOOOPS!

Should We Go Out and Spend A Lot Of Money?

2006-01-06T12:53:00.000-05:00

To which I reply. Yes! Yes!

We made the long drive from A-town WI back to Cincinnati on Monday. I was glad to be back as we had been staying at the in-laws house. Although I did spend a few days in Rochester, MN with my parents.

I have a meeting at 2:30 today. I will find a job. I would like to convince this company to employ me as one of their recruiters. I can recruit some people to do some things for money. Totally.

I need to get out of this apt. Hence going out to spend a lot of money with my hubby. Who knows what the night will bring. Pretty pretty pretty sure we'll be taking a cab. Then, off to sweaty, humpy, breathy sex. MMMMmmmm. I love our drunken nights of lovemaking. I always wake up sore and stinky...I love it.

My mom called to tell me that my grandmother has breast cancer. More about that later. I'm trying not to dwell on it. Living in my fantasy world is easier.

Okay, one more cig before I get pretty for my meeting.....Wish me luck!

Balls.

Round At Both Ends and Hi in the Middle

2005-12-22T11:13:00.000-05:00

We made it. We're here. Cincinnati, OH. Holy freakin' god.

When we first walked into our new apt. we noticed that the toilet was in the bathtub, covers were missing from light sockets and the light fixtures were dangling from their wires in the ceiling. This is a place that boasts luxury living. We cursed as we walked from room to room, noticing all that was left unfinished. Most embarassingly, the movers were trying to place boxes and were just as angry as we were at the disarray.

After that weekend Bryan left for four days. I had never felt so alone in my life. I had nothing. I ate brownies and slept like mad.

Upon his return we went out to a couple bars. No, not just bars...kick ass bars. We met some graduate students from UC and sang karaoke.....pooorly. Of course Bryan is a performer and had the whole place amazed. Dude can't sing, but he sure knows how to sway around like a madman.

Bryan left for a few more days after that. I met some of the UC students out for dinner and drinks while he was away and I remember climbing out of a window onto a roof to smoke. It was a long night. I also remember walking to get 40's. I don't drink 40's!

There is a lot of freakin' chili around here. People love their chili!! It's not even good chili. It's crap, it's like tomato paste and beans. They even use the chili to top spaghetti noodles!! aaaaaaack. Yuck.

We just got back from Owensboro, KY. Their only claim is that J. Depp is from there. Whoopie. We had a huge dinner with Bryan's largest account and drank a ton of wine. I even gorged myself on some apple crumb pie. Yum. Oh, they also gave us bourbon balls. Kentucky Bourbon Balls are dark chocolate balls filled with some sort of white filling. They are disgusting!! Yuck. They totally taste like whiskey which I can't stand. I tried one last night and had to spit it out. I had an immediate stomach ache. Trust me, they're effing disgusting. Of course I'm sure you're thinking of Chef from South Park now.

There is a lot more we have done: ate on a riverboat, went to an aquarium, Southgate House, and met a guy named Whitey.

I'm anxious to get home for the holidays. We have tickets for the Packer game on Sunday. Even though the Pack is barely playing this season, it'll be fun to go with friends and family.

2005-12-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

Why did you eat a bowl of turds?

2005-11-27T23:36:00.000-05:00

Healthy For Life

2005-11-10T11:14:00.000-05:00

I would like to discuss the status of our office or what I like to call "computer room."

My Samsung monitor is set atop 3 books and 5 notebooks. The books are : "Healthy For life," "Practice Exercises In News Writing," and "Psychology." The desk I'm using is not even a desk. It's my grandmother's old typewriter desk with three very small drawers. This desk used to be in the entryway of my parents house. It used to be decoration. It used to have metal frogs and flowers and stuff on top of it.

To the right of my desk there is a huge box full of garbage from my husband. Thanks husband.

My husband's new employer, "The Mouse" has given him a laptop. This laptop is located directly behind me on top of a card table. The laptop is surrounded by more garbage.

On the floor there is a multifuctional fax, copier, scanner and printer, another printer, a kodak printer for our camera, my computer and boxes of shit. There are two chairs in here. A nice big black leather one for the hubby and a fabric one for me. The fabric chair is holding hubby's office phone.

Fuck.

Hubby constantly steals my mouse and the cable for internet connection and uses it for his laptop. I can't even come in here anymore without performing computer/room surgery to check my email.

Oh, and there's is a calendar on the wall which exclaims, "possibilities!" Thank you Mr. Motivational Calendar. Thank you. I feel like I'm being mocked because it's IMPOSSIBLE to move around in here.

Good thing were moving to a townhome in Ohio. We should have a lot more room then! Crap, crap, crap.

At least I get a puppy. Any suggestions? I'm thinking a terrier would be best.

I gained 7 lbs since the wedding. Yaaar. Guess I should stop sitting around eating chocolate and waking up in time for "Ellen." I'm pathetic.

I need to go grocery shopping so I can stop eating out. That fast food stuff will kill you.

My new Ipod rules. Would it be lame to use it while I grocery shop? Would I look like a damn fool? Don't answer that, I'm going to do it anyway. Although, I am a big fan of grocery store music. I always hear stuff I haven't heard in years and it's always beyond cheesey. Kind of makes me grin and feel like the people in the store and I have some sort of connection--we're all shopping at the same rhythm. It's beautiful.

Oh man. What if I freaked out while I was grocery shopping while listening to my ipod? I could start rocking out like they do in the commercials! Uno, dos, tres..catorce! I'd start flipping my hair around and accidentally ramming into the Cap'n Crunch. Then Dave Chapelle would come and kick my ass. It would be beautiful.

What if I jigged the whole time? You know, like Julia Roberts during the bathtub scene? I'd probably get caught by some total midwesterner type guy...OOwhw, jeeeze. No, actually people would pretend not to see me, then talk about me later. I would become news! "Hey, did you see that really cute chick with the ipod?"

Maybe I should take that book out on psychology and start reading it, huh?

On another note, the new "Super Furry Animals" album is really fantastic. In fact, I can't get enough of it. I would love someone to kiss me with apocolypse. Hot. It sounds like something "The Who" might have done had they started 20-25 yrs. later. With slightly less crazy drumming.

I'm going to wash my hair.

Love you Scatological.

I'm a nerd

2005-11-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

I got a new phone today
and I am excited.
It looks like this
and I can listen to the radio through it.
I just have to figure out how.
And I can put mp3s on it.
Thats cool

WHATS UP YO!

1 Bean 1-Pep 16

2005-10-26T12:33:00.000-04:00

I saw Matt, Peter, Squishy and Ben last night. We were at Jim's. I had 5 drinks.

Mara got a ticket for disorderly conduct 2 nights ago.

I went to Taco Bell at about 11 and got home just in time to watch Conan.

Conan rules.

Bryan comes home today from Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio. Think we found an apt. we want. Short-term, furbished.

My mom wore bunny slippers to the bar on her 50th birthday this past Friday. Hilarious.

I put too much sugar into my coffee. Tastes like sugar water. Yuck. I usually don't even use sugar. We were out of milk.

We have 2 cars for sale. Bryan gets his new car tomorrow! Exciting!!

I made brownies yesterday. Had one. Forgot to cover them. They're dried out now.

That is it.

Things people say that I find funnee

2005-10-18T11:08:00.000-04:00

"I've used this product for Donkey years" now how long is a donkey year exactly?

the following is a quote from 26 year old Jesse Metcalfe: "I believe age is just a number. But I try not to date womean who are too much younger than me." 26, huh, just How young is "too much younger" legally?

"I played Dungeons and Dragons in High School. But I can interact with people" LOL no comment.

"I'm a woman, everyone thinks I'm a man because of my low voice, but I'm not." And I DID think she was a man!

"I don't want to eat pizza with donuts staring at me" HA! Never piss of a donut. NEVER!

"I use these for so many things, I wonder what else you could do with these! like fill it up with water, freeze it, and us it as a weapon!" wow.

I'm bringing her up again!

2005-10-13T14:21:00.000-04:00

Okay... I know I plug this blog Endlessly... but for those of you out there who DON'T know BABYSOUL! Check her! HA-- here are some examples of the dictionary of babysoul:

WHACKKK imw soo muchies holycrapps chillaxx
143Weslee yu / yur omg fer
ladeedaa superly wur hyperenic
deadish tarded muahss anywhoo
yeaupp haii

Mister

2005-10-08T03:50:00.000-04:00

I'm starting a blog. I don't know what you're talking about. Excuse me, hellloooo, these are bongos. That's the title of mine, "okay."

It's because I hang out with the likes of
Ben. Homo. I'm gay for myself. clang vanbgkdfsladkfjdk boom drums.
"We're good drummers!....A lot!" Do you think anyone in the world will ever read that?"
"We need to make this bigger!"

You Can Sleep On My Side Of The Bed

2005-10-06T18:22:00.000-04:00

It was my husband's 30th birthday yesterday. All he wanted to do was skateboard. He felt a need to go out and prove to himself that he's not some stodgy boring old coot, and skateboarding is just about the most punk rock thing one can do next to breaking stuff. Skateboarding=Everlasting youth and vitality.

My man with his sweet blue eyes continually asks me if he may sleep on my side of the bed. You see, I have certain convictions, habits and needs. When lying inside the bed, I absolutely must be on the right. Here's why:

1. It's closer to the door
2 It's further away from the window (which is bright cold and loud)
3 Sleeping= being in the womb=dark, warm and quiet
4 Bright, cold and loud=being born
5 I like to snuggle him. He always curls up facing the window and I curl up behind using his warm body as comfort as well as protection from said window.
6 He is no good at hitting snooze on the alarm. The alarm is on the right side. Snooze button must be hit quickly and without haste! Otherwise I'm just pissed. I don't know why. I just am. Husband can allow the alarm to go off without abandon, husband is a sound snorey sleeper who can handle disruptions. I'm much more sensitive.
7 I'm the girl damnit.

Last night hubby got my side of the bed. At 6 in the morning I was harrassed by a garbage truck, coldness and light. I ended up sleeping in the guest room until it was time to get up for work. Sweet sweet guest room. Thick comforter, quiet dark, tons of room. Glorious sleep. aaaah.

I now relinquish the right side of the bed. He may have it. I did not realize he was in such a torturous situation. My poor guy.

Hubby never got to skateboard last night. It rained. Although, hubby did get the side of the bed he has been coveting for the past 2 years. Glad to make his dreams come true.

So--that happened. Ummm. He also dared me to email a coworker I barely speak to and ask:
Hey, you want half of my corn dog?-I complied.
My feet are freeezing. Can I borrow your socks?

WE FUCKING DID IT!!

2005-09-30T13:47:00.000-04:00

place where we live

2005-09-28T16:14:00.000-04:00

Why is it that 94% of the people, when I ask them if their address has an "apartment or unit number" respond with statements like...

nope, it's a house
no, this is a residence
No, it's a private home
no!- a private residence
This is my home

As an apartment dweller, I could easily take offense.

res·i·dence (rz-dns, -dns)n.
The place in which one lives; a dwelling.
The act or a period of residing in a place.

pri·vate (prvt)adj.
Secluded from the sight, presence, or intrusion of others: a private hideaway.
Designed or intended for one's exclusive use: a private room

home (hm)n.
A place where one lives; a residence.
The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.
A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.
An environment offering security and happiness.
A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

house (hous)n. pl. hous·es (houzz, -sz)
A structure serving as a dwelling for one or more persons, especially for a family.
A household or family.
Something, such as a burrow or shell, that serves as a shelter or habitation for a wild animal.
A dwelling for a group of people, such as students or members of a religious community, who live together as a unit: a sorority house.

Cucumber woes.

2005-09-22T12:41:00.000-04:00

Why do the cucumbers from the store not taste like cucumbers from the farmer's market? why do they pump veggies with steroids to make them larger so we are more likely to buy them, but the larger and more beefy they get the more disgusting it is to eat? it doesn't make any sense. I think i'll stick with the pinky sized tastums from the little man behind the cart. Bigger isn't always better assholes.

About to puke my eyes out

2005-09-21T16:24:00.000-04:00

I don't even know what that means, exactly, but I thought I'd better write it down.

Clean

2005-09-21T13:06:00.000-04:00

If it doesn't kill germs how can it be called a cleaner?

Fucking semantics.

OH It has been so long

2005-09-16T13:45:00.000-04:00

SO
i really like vienna by billy joel

i wish cleaning products i bought had more refreshing smiles

im SO glad it's friday!!!!

hey everyone aren't you glad it's friday???!!

I Never Want To Forget

2005-08-30T12:23:00.000-04:00

I have never been so deliriously happy. I never want to forget how this feels.

I love you Brygar.

2005-08-23T15:49:00.000-04:00

11 more days! I love you.

White Pants and High Heels

2005-08-23T13:51:00.000-04:00

So, I'm wearing my favorite super cute white pants today. Hey, they make my butt look good. I'm also wearing a pair of high heels.

I walked to the park to meet my co-workers for lunch (which was provided). There were at least 100 people there. All at picnic tables. Avoiding the bees while trying to inhale mouthfuls of brat and lemon bar.

I sat at a picnic bench with my fiance' with whom I work as well as some of his immediate co-workers. Even his boss was there. We had a great time dodging bees and talking about the upcoming wedding.

A nice person even made fun of me for once walking into the men's bathroom at someone else's wedding reception. Actually, I didn't just walk in and walk out. I walked in..peed...saw a man using the urinal....swore and apologized..then walked out.

Anyway, since my lunch is only 30 min. long as compared to everyone else's HOUR (I'm very busy and important) I left the table first. I wrapped my lemon bar in a napkin and snagged my MT. Dew which was stuffed w/ another napkin so as to keep the bees out and trees minimal.

Feeling happy and glowing from lunch with fun people I swaggered my way back to the tower where I work.

Suddenly, a curb. My heel, my high heel, caught the edge of the curb the fucking curb. My hands full I wobble. Wobble, wobble. Nothing I could do to save myself. *BAM* both knees slam to the ground. I yelp as I simultaneously, carefully, set my lemon bar and soda on the black tar of the parking lot.

The pain throbs all the way up my body. I can only assume that the pain to my knees is so intense that the first response is to flop on my back like a rag doll. I didn't want to get up from the ground, I wanted to continue staring at the sky. Swear words come seething out of my mouth as my hatred for all things boiled through me.

My fiance's boss and three construction workers came up to see if I was okay. My fiance's boss asked if I had been stung by a bee.

I walked back into my tower- building- hole for work with shredded knees, a most surely bruised back and a scraped ankle (you know that sexy area where the bump is by your foot--you know--that weird bone? that's where the ugly scrape is).

I've decided that I should probably start wearing a big foam red helmet if I'm to be married soon. With my luck, I'll probably somehow find a way to burn my hair and cut an eye out.

Loving the Inner Mole!

2005-08-18T18:11:00.000-04:00

moleism - the continual reverence of moles
molectomy - the study of a mole's insides
molebile - a mole which hangs from the ceiling; also a term describing anything which can move rapidly inderground
demoleition - The destruction which moles bring about in your yard.
imoleble - anything that does not have to do with a mole
mole-mole - a mole double agent
moleskito - a tiny molelike creature with wings which drinks the blood
remoletly - obscurely having to do with a mole
thermole - an adjective describing a mole of a highly explosive substance

Q: Why is it bad to tell mole jokes? A: It's mole-itically incorrect

Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots? A: A bunch of Moleasses
Q: What line from Shakespeare do high school moles have to memorize? A: "To mole or not to mole, this is the question."
Q: What happens when a mole bites a dog? A: He becomes Moleicious!

2005-08-17T10:43:00.000-04:00

Oh we bring you presents like CHRISTMAS presents... yes... even if it's THE subconscious choice of red and green by Stop It! We are the Santa Claus(s) of the Blog world. Or something. puke of the mouth.

ANYWAYS.... in case you missed the present we gave you earlier and would like to peruse the site of the below mentioned *deadish girl* here, again is the link for Baby Soul.

BABY SOUL (ha ha ha)

We Never Claimed to Be Ladylike

2005-08-16T18:36:00.000-04:00

Scatological and I (Stop it!) had a friendly email session today.

Scatological=Red
Stop It!=Green

Subject: this chick scares me this [] much
time always kills the pain...-cool
ahaa, im listening to cool by stefani. wheeelalala, im soo bored =) yes yes tres bored. after everything, ive summarize, wishes dont come true. =// sucks, i know. ohh whatever. someday i shall eat floating cotton candy and fly =). yes yes =D. time flying by so fast. wait, next song...AWW THIS VIDEO MADE ME CRY! "wake me up when september ends" how sad ='(. *tearr tearr. loll. anywhooooo whatever, im out =0)) whe my happy face has a nose =0D. lol im being so tarded, oh yea, as i said, im out xD.

RE: this chick scares me this [] much
Whoa...run away run way!!

She doesn't need to write everything she thinks as she thinks it. That's just creepy.

i think im obsessed. she has a theme i think
its crazy, the people i start like NEVER notice me, well, in that way kinda. =/

ive finally realized everything that ends with happily ever after, is fake, well thats why they call them fairy tales, right? its like every guy ive liked first, has never really...hmmm whats the word?...noticed me, in a way. nothing really ends up happily ever after.

its the same thing every single time. the guy i like never knows that im all deadish cause of him. damn

Deadish? Guys make her die? Wow. She is incredibly futile. Drama queen. Bet she's stellar looking and a big flirt. Sounds like something I would have written when I was 11 or 12, but I wasn't stellar looking. Braces and acne.

i know i'm writing that down in my book "im all deadish because of...."

to go along with my favorite from yesterday "keep in mind, i'm not selling snake oil..."

Usually I'm all deadish because of something I drank. Man! Wish Bryan could do that! Make me deadish someone! Please! I want to be all bloated and pale with my own feces all over my butt because that's how much I like you.

Tell me more about this snake oil. Is this a consumer?

lol!! right!! with like you skin just peeling away and blah blah blah

yeah the guy wrote an email about how he has a great new invention we can't live without, and he says, verbatim, "now keep in mind, im not selling snake oil"

i LAUGHED

LOL!! I bet you did! Even if it was in person I bet you would have laughed in his face. Evil

lol no- no, maybe? i dont think so- well probably not! i hope not! i don't know. oh.

I would have farted in his face. Yeah, I'm gross. That's right.

He would have been like,"now keep in mind, im not selling snake oil" and I would've been like bwooourmp.

wow. my farts aren't so much a bwooourmp but a phfffffrrrrrllllitttff
Mine can be like a phfffffrrrrrllllitttff, but only in the morning.

AhA!! so my a55 thinks it's morning. at all times.

Well, it is dark in there.

nice. with a little poke of sunrise.
gross.

Yes, I agree that we need to grow up. Sometimes it's fun to act like I'm 12 again.

"I Do"

2005-08-15T17:03:00.000-04:00

We're going through a lot right now. Many details to work through before we say "I do."

Today he sent me an email which made it all better.

Here it is:

Hi Baby,
When times are stressful, I like to think of someone who's got everything together, and who is cool... and try to cop their attitude for a while... someone like Snoop Dogg.

Snoop is so cool. Yayah. Total Snoop to the double jizzee.

Be like Snoop.

WWSDD?

Yes, I love this man.

Liars

2005-08-15T14:56:00.000-04:00

He had to be stubborn and waste so much life... all for a number of big lies, all which have proven themselves false. A waste of 20 Billion dollars, and a waste of thousands of lives.
He had to be stubborn and ignore all of those thinking people who had legitimate concerns over the war. He just didn't care... we weren't "with him" so we were "against him." How freakin' stupid, arrogant and jingoistic is that?

This war has made me sick since before it even happened. He has the blood of thousands on his hands. May God have mercy on his soul.

Im still free

2005-08-15T13:56:00.000-04:00

Ahhh I do have self control!!!

No Mrs. Robinson, No Tadpole, nothing illegal done this weekend. Just thought I'd share.

Awfully tired.

and frustrated I hear.

I HATE TOWNS THAT START WITH "WAU"

2005-08-12T17:07:00.000-04:00

How many freakin’ towns does Wisconsin have to have that start with “Wau-“?
Seriously, when someone is telling me that their brother is racing this weekend in “Wauwautoma” or that they’re attending the 68th Annual Barn and Sawdust Rally in “Wauwauwauwausaratosa” in September, my eyes just glaze over. I have no idea where it is. I’m like a deer in geographic headlights.

To me, when someone says any of these town names, I just think they’re the same place. Some wonderful place, of course, where the beer is Hamm’s and the men are real men (and how does the saying go.. where the women are, too?”) Anyways…

Don’t believe me? Check this out:
Actual names of Wisconsin towns (off the top of my head):
Wausau
Waubeka
Waupaca
Waupun
Waukau
Wautoma
Wauwatosa
Waukeegon
Waunakee
Waukesha
Waushara
Waubeek
Waukechon
Waumandee
Wausaukee

It’s freakin’ ridiculous… 15 that I can think of by my self!!!
That pisses me off.

(I just reread my list... and it made my head spin... literally.)

This site is actually a lot of fun, too:
(Random Wisconsin Town Name Generator)
http://www.creepo.net/wicng/

Princess

2005-08-10T15:12:00.000-04:00

Yep,

Emily has carple tunnel (sp?) and apparently had to leave. She just can't type anymore and with it being so busy.....

That kind of crap drives me insane.

Abby had a "belly-ache" yesterday and was drinking alka seltzer all day. She's missing today.

Emily and Abby are friends.

Bet they're at the mall right now.

It is emotionally draining to serve the average consumer all day. I can understand the need for a personal day.

I could use a personal day. Badly.

Some guy just called me princess-over the phone. You know, because I told him he was using something incorrectly and he was pissed. If I could have reached through the phone to strangle him, I would have. Fucking idiot.

Ah. The bride at work.

2005-08-09T17:13:00.000-04:00

The Green Gloves complete!

Stupid SUV Men

2005-08-09T17:03:00.000-04:00

OKAY.

So. when you are trolling down the street, reading a book, and all of a sudden you feel a large presence, and you see about 10-15 (quite a safe distance) ahead, a car, on the street, waiting to turn into a driveway, with a pile up of 5 cars behind him, and plenty of time before you get there to turn, staring at you, and waiting for you.

So. you feel all uncomfortable because he's Waiting... and the five cars behind him are Waiting..... WHY do they do this?? It's always a male in a big SUV. This is the list I came up with

A] He thinks he is being Suave

B] He's trying to be polite (to me i guess- stupidly - what about the pile-up behind him)??

C] He doesn't want to dirty his car with an unsightly accident, or he's just terrified of a lawsuit.

Any other ideas? I just can't figure it out. I'll stop- motion for him to turn, he motions for me to walk... then I do a little run/dance to hurry, because I look dumb.

Jeez.

Pounds

2005-08-05T11:39:00.000-04:00

Torture Device

2005-07-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

I have been investigating different methods of torture... and found the Most effective torture:::

TIE SOMEONE TO A CHAIR AND PUT A LOOP OF "CONFESSIONS OF A DRAMA QUEEN" IN THE VCR

Now I will never confess to the actual watchage of this particular movie.... you won't make me, but I will tell you it is effective. Don't even bother taping the eyes open... if they fall asleep, the waking up will be damning enough!

Rabbit

2005-07-29T12:13:00.000-04:00

Last night we walked out our deck to have a smoke. While having a nice conversation (after a good old fashioned romping) we noticed some bunnies in our backyard. The grass is getting a little long and we noticed the two little pals munching away.

Since we are both animal lovers we had a great time watching the little cuties clean themselves and jump around.

Then, my fiance did the most noble thing possible. He took a head of lettuce from our fridge and sprinkled it across our lawn.

Then he yelled at the bunnies for not eating the lettuce right away.

It was beautiful.

"Eat the lettuce! Eat the lettuce!" Then, "Do you think that the grass is like a tasty buffet so they're not interested in the lettuce?"

Poor guy.

Mine!

2005-07-29T11:31:00.000-04:00

Everytime I get myself something tasty like a candy bar or a soda, Difficult decides he needs a bite or a sip. In the beginning of our relationship this was really cute.

Now, I just want my own damn soda and my own damn candy bar. Get your own or I'm either going to have to eat my treats in hiding (like the closet) or shed tears of frustration. My treats, mine.

Mine.

I'm off to angrily eat a box of twinkies.

Sentences

2005-07-28T17:14:00.000-04:00

Usually about once a week, a sentence that just sort of... randomly occurs in my life will strike me as particularly funny, and for a while, it acts as my comedy "battle cry."

Sometimes, Stop It! and I will just sort of play off of each other, amending, adding, tailoring even, a funny phrase until it is exactly perfect, and guaranteed to generate a laugh... at least between the two of us.

One of my favorites of all of these is "You fat! Go on akkins!"

********************
P.S. Nobody cares about my dream where I got shot in the back of the head.

stress

2005-07-26T14:44:00.000-04:00

I want to lie in my bed and read a book. I want to give my fiance a million smooches. I want to go for a jog. I want to watch a movie. I want a pet. I want a hug from my mom and dad. I want to wash my hair-it's greasy.

The Dream Post

2005-07-25T14:13:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night where I was on a boat. I am fairly positive I was in the body of a Hispanic male. Since I am Caucasian female, it was an odd experience, but as I don't remember much of the dream, I'll tell you what I do remember. I was on a boat, the weather was bad, some shit was going down. I hated my best friend- (who was and is a female- perhaps I wanted my vagina back and I was jealous of hers) and we constantly fought on the boat. At one point I threw myself off the boat (suicide attempt) but I remember Very Clearly the attempt was Fake- I just wanted attention (I remember bobbing in the water, it was stormy, and pretending to sink so someone would save me) At one point I was laying on the ground in the grass. There was more. It was very late at night. I need an interpreter. I'm all fucked up today. I need more sleep.

If I were a child

2005-07-22T13:56:00.000-04:00

If I were a child, I would believe there were thrifteen bazillion stars in the sky.

Actually, I think I'll believe that anyways.

No, wait... thrifteen bazillion AND FOUR.

Yes.

2005-07-21T18:50:00.000-04:00

This is my average day, but 50-100 times in a row. UGH. **product name changed to protect the innocent**

stupid: so what do you do if you get schijak in your eyes?
me: [long pause] well.... [long pause] DID you get schijak in your eyes?
stupid: no
me: has someone at your home gotten schijak in their eye.
stupid: no
me: Is there a specific reason you are asking that question?
stupid: well i was just wondering what to do if you got schijak in your eye (like its a normal occurance?)
me: well, i'd like to get some information from that product to better assist you
stupid: its the schijak product
me: may i please have the upc bar code #.... (blah blah blah long wordtrack)
stupid: uh what
me: Okay, [long pause] did you have a schijak product available?
stupid: what
me: did you have a schijak product available?
stupid: uh. what product
me: UH the product you are calling about
stupid: no- just the schijak product
me: [long pause] ok. well we have a large variety of schijak products. you don't have any available?
stupid: no
me: can you tell me which product specifically.
stupid: yeah the schijak furniture polish
me: all of our large variety of schijak products are furniture polishes.
stupid: oh (reads) furniture polish with cleaning conditioners
me: are you reading that name?
stupid: yeah i have the can
me: ok [long pause] so you DO have a product available
stupid: yeah
me: [long pause] ok, now. may i please have the upc bar code #.... (blah blah blah long wordtrack)
stupid: i dont know what you said
me: MAY I PLEASE HAVE THE UPC BAR CODE #
stupid: oh. 880564352
me: no, the UPC BAR CODE. the lines you scan at the store.
stupid: oh, ok. 880564352
me: ok. [long pause] could you please read the product for me
stupid: Schijak furniture polish with cleaning conditioners
me: okay that product does say schijak.
stupid: yeah
me: that isn't a valid bar code. are you reading the number directly under the black lines in the white box they scan when you purchase the item?
stupid: oh! nevermind i see it.
me: Okay? and the bar code?
stupid: thanks anyways
me: i'm sorry?
stupid: i see it thanks.
me: [long pause] see what?
stupid: how to get the schijak out of your eyes. thanks
me: excuse me?
**click**
me: hello?
me: oh mother fucker

Just Out On The Deck

2005-07-21T17:36:00.000-04:00

Here's an email my mom sent me this afternoon. I'm getting married in about 7 weeks.

as such: Hate to mention this, but you should do some light arm weights just to tone a tad...If you start with arm curls - 2 sets of 10 on each arm. and then the ones over your head..you'd be amazed what shape it gives your upper body. Put them on the deck and do them while your smoking a cig.

I immediately replied: Why? Are my arms fat?

I have decided If I had a digital camera I would get myself in some really gnarly work out clothes, light up a smoke and lift weights out on the deck. I would then send a picture of this to my mom. It would be hilarious. I would make sure my hair is all messed up and mascara running down my face.

2005-07-21T14:33:00.000-04:00

I would suppose if rain makes people horny, then the guy (or god) that is invisibly watching you might be doing very bad things as he gazes at your naked carcass-- no one can see him, you know. Thought that might help.

Things I heard today that made me laugh:

"I'm just going to gleefully kill them tonight, because it makes me so happy" He also told me his name was 'spears' as in Multiple Killing products.

"That's one of the things I don't give out ever.... not even to my children" Upon asking for an email address.... so who Does get the address? Nice father.

"the product behaved like soup" and how does soup behave exactly? I've always though soup was Very Naughty. So i am Sorry the product was naughty.

My Beliefs--An Overview Of My Thoughts

2005-07-21T12:22:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure that someone is always watching me. Especially when I'm naked. I'm not talking about God. I'm talking about an imaginary creepy guy. Atleast I hope he's imaginary. Besides, why would God watch me more when I'm naked? Whoa--that's a disturbing thought.

Rain makes people horny. I think it has something to do with ions. Anyway, it rained today.

Driving by me while I sit outside my house does not give you the right to stare. Yes, I understand that I am a girl. Yes, I understand that I'm not half bad to look at. It still does not give you the right to make me feel uncomfortable while I'm at my own home. I hate leery creepy guys. Where do they learn how to do the things they do? I feel sorry for them.

I can only poop alone. I cannot have anyone in the bathroom with me. I just can't, so hurry up and get out.

Don't think that just because you ask me to do a favor means that I'm automatically going to say yes. Don't be surprised if I say no. I decide what I'm willing to do-I'm not a pushover or a softy. I don't like being used and if I feel like I am, get ready for dumpage.

I like to make my bed in the morning. It makes my room look neater and the bed more inviting at night.

I love to hug, but I'm too self-conscious to hug everyone all the time. I've only hugged my soon to be mother-in-law twice.

I don't like or respect whining or complaining. If something is bothering you then fix it. Stop talking about how much shit sucks and not doing anything about it. I don't mind if you need to unload some things that are on your mind, I do love to listen. If you want to bitch about your weight though, I'll just tell you to go for a jog and mix in a salad once in a while.

If you don't like our blog-that's okay. There are many other options. www.soloshootsfirst.com is a terrific option. Just don't comment there-he gets upset.

LIKE NO WAY I CAN'T BELIEVE IT

2005-07-20T14:08:00.000-04:00

BABYSOUL

like damn, i am so flipping speechless, i don't even know wtf to say. flip.

The Anonymous Haledjian

2005-07-19T18:53:00.000-04:00

The Anonymous Haledjian

This is the Best Blog Ever!!

Typical-Day-Conversation

2005-07-19T12:33:00.000-04:00

Typical-Day-Conversation

This could be good.
(the only way i figured out how to look at someone's blog whenever i want to)

Prozac Nation

2005-07-19T09:41:00.000-04:00

Yeah. Saw a movie last night. One of those "based on a true story"- "based on a book" type of things. "Prozac Nation" with Christina Ricci. Let me just say that Christina Ricci is a weird weird bird. She has the weirdest looking face-ever. It's like her eyes are too big for her forehead, but, her forehead is to big for her chin. Somehow it works though. Somehow that look always gets her parts as an absolutely crazy insane person. Watching her is like watching a car accident-you want to look away but you can't help but wonder what the hell is going on.

Spoke with my friend Jeremy last night. He's living in Montana and is starting up his own record label. Guess it's time for me to buy that drum set I've always wanted and start a band.

Bryan and I put cheese inside veggie dogs and wrapped them in crescent rolls for dinner last night. Yum!

Thought I gained to lbs. this morning. Realized I had a wet towel around my head. Removed towel. Yes! Not 147, but 145. Not bad.

Last night of Compensation and Benefits class tonight. Then I get about a month off from studies. Yes, yes, yes. It's a much needed break.

That is all.

I just picked 7 fleas off me.....

2005-07-15T16:10:00.000-04:00

and other random sentences I heard today that, out of context, make me laugh.

"I have a question or a complaint, I'm not sure which" (that is a hard decision to make... am I curious? or mad? do i not know? or does it piss me off?)

"Is it safe to use on wood?" (good thing to call about, you wouldn't want to try that out Before hand!)

"he has a really thick coat of hair, But his little belly is just hanging bare" (yeah this was funny in context too)

"I'll spell that, it's Italian" (thank god you're spelling that. christ- I'd never figure it out otherwise, being ITALIAN and all!!)

"They call me virgin for short, but not for long" (ummm......)

OW! That hurts!

2005-07-15T09:47:00.000-04:00

Everything was starting to calm down at home last night after a heated battle between Stop It! and Difficult. They had just had shouting match. Shouting matches were new to Stop It! and Difficult and Stop It! couldn't believe what a jerk Difficult was being. Although Stop It! was being difficult and was just as much to blame for the argument.

After the storm, the two decided to go up to bed. Stop It! was glad that it was over and while excitedly passing through the living room stubbed her left pinkie toe on the bottom of the couch. Stop It! immediately fell to the floor. Difficult looked back, as he was way ahead of her and already leading up the stairs to bed.

Stop it! sat on the floor with her hand protectively covering her foot. Difficult ran up to her saying, "are you okay? Are you okay?" Stop it! couldn't talk...could barely breathe. She just kept rocking and holding her foot and breathing harshly in and out. She kept saying, "Ow! Oh my god! Ow!"

Difficult kept asking Stop it! to move her hand so he could rub her foot. Stop It! finally moved her hand and as soon as Difficult touched her she felt a shock of pain run up her leg. "Ow that hurts!" she yelled out. Difficult couldn't stop himself-he started laughing hysterically.

For whatever reason "Ow that hurts." is terribly funny to Difficult. He compared it to someone saying "Wow! This tastes really good in my mouth!" while eating something tasty. Stop it! told him that it just so happens that when Stop it! gets hurt she prefers to yell, "Ow that hurts!" Stop it! made the comment that Difficult was going to find labor hysterical. Jerk.

Stop it's pinkie toe really hurts and is swollen today.

Let me introduce you to a special song called "You're the Inspiration"

2005-07-14T14:26:00.000-04:00

Greatest Hits Vol. 3: 1982-89 - Chicago
How's That?

# 7 You're the inspiration. Don't believe me?
Check out the link.

ten reasons we like double bubble

2005-07-14T13:33:00.000-04:00

grown people can still have fun with hula hoops
although Kev-O didn't go up the skirt or down the shirt, the cuddling was fun
STOP IT! and call in sick [stop what? stop drinking probably]
Difficult time sleeping, that's for sure. well. no time sleep at that but keeps you on your toes (or face down at your desk)
the next day hoarse voice squeaks a lot and makes you feel out of breath all the time. which could mean you were working out {even though you reek like beer and smokes}
alcohol makes fighting about Chicago (or not chicago) lyrics even More fun.
throughout the night i owned 2+ pairs of shoes. although woke up with only one today
there is no censor at the door!!!!
kicking ass at pool makes the night cool.
because it alway brings us back to ghetto (for you anddra) liquid blues

2005-07-13T18:47:00.000-04:00

funny story. irritating story. so woman does not like product that she buys. so woman calls me to tell me she does not like product. it doesn't work, it has never worked. i apologize, "im so so sorry woman, let me help you. i will give you some tips as to why the product isn't working for you today, and also send you a coupon so you can get new product" no. i want more she says. this product hasn't been working for me since you changed the formula a few years back. i look further "im sorry woman, but that product has not had a formula change in 13 years" well that's how long i've had the problem, she says.

now.
would you say that the product sucks?
or would you say the lady is a FUCKING MORON for using a product that "sucks" for THIRTEEN DAMN YEARS!?

post it if you feel it.

Because It Makes Me Look Cool

2005-07-13T16:18:00.000-04:00

Yeah I know smoking is totally passe'. I don't care. Today I was outside of my office, choking down a fag and thinking about the tuna sandwich I was going to have for lunch. Suddenly a group of teenage boys rode by..1 boy, 2 boys, 3 boys I counted. The third little fucker said to me in a superior tone,"Smoking can kill you." I wanted to yell, "I can kill you." I would have too. Really. I was just too concerned with my next drag and pretending that I'm cool.

a helpful tip.

2005-07-13T16:02:00.000-04:00

eating 250 ibuprofens and drinking hydrogen
peroxide do not result in death. they balance themselves
out.

july13 the bridge

2005-07-13T08:27:00.000-04:00

i'm walking across a bridge today. gushing river below and birds just Swarming the air. In and out, flying in no discernible route. i have headphones on (listening to nine inch nails) and all of a sudden i felt like i was looking Down on myself, and that if i were to raise my arms i could CONDUCT the world! the cars the birds, the breeze, the sun! do you know that feeling? that you just want to stop walking and Twirl, that you just feel the world, and the music, and yourself? i feel motivated, like i can take on the world and everything will work out, that I have the power to do whatever.... something i don't often feel.

so that was my morning, now im hyper as hell, perhaps due to a brush with god on the bridge or the multiple pots of coffee drank before bed and upon waking. well who the hell knows? im not worried!

--changes made to a dull day can only increase your zeal--

So Im reading this book called "Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West" by Gregory Maguire. It's actualy quite interesting, although I don't think they'll be making a children's classic out of it! Much too racy for the children, although I love it! I'll tell you I just started reading the book, and already we've had adultery by a preacher's wife, talk of murdering newborns, talk of leprechaun rape- not to mention sex scenes and illicit puppets. my kind of story! but i definitely won't be following up "The Wizard of Oz" with this book when i have children! (and I don't think they'll make cartoons out of this book either) But it's very interesting... it describes the story from the viewpoint of the wicked witch of the west, about her growing up (I never thought about her being green, and how she got that way! Poor wicked witch). Her mother was a slut and her father was a prick. So no wonder she decided to be mean and have flying monkeys for friends. No one liked her because she was green and born with razor shark teeth. (She bit of the midwives finger directly after birth) Interesting interesting. I'm such a sucker for a good book.

[ Along came a puppet widow, with sprigged hair and high color, dragging along a protesting, flinty-toothed daughter. The widow kissed the puppet husband, and pulled off his leather trousers. He was equipped with two full sets of male goods, one in the front and another hanging off the base of his spine. The widow positioned her daughter on the abbreviated prong in front, and herself took advantage of the more menacing arrangement in the rear. The three puppets bucked and rocked, emitting squeals of glee. When the puppet widow and her daughter were through, the dismounted and kissed the adulterous puppet husband. Then they kneed him, simultaneously, for and aft. He swung on springs and hinges, trying to hold all his wounded parts. ]
--"Wicked" by Gregory Maguire

july12 working of course

2005-07-12T18:36:00.000-04:00

yeah. my first blog. this is what keeps you coming back im sure! well im sitting at work (holy shit, no block on this site) and loving it. i have 23 minutes to go and hopefully i'll survive them. that's always questionable, as i work customer service. what a job! listen to other people bitch and bitch for Hours and then you go home, and no one ever wants to hear you bitch! no wonder half the world is on anti-depressants, and the other half is so cynical a normal conversation is barely possible.
so. what do we say to each other? is a blog supposed to be a two way conversation between myself and myself? or a one way conversation with god or what? maybe i should have a format more this style:

me: so what are you doing right now?
me: listening to people complain. going out of my mind.
me: well you know, you could get another job.
me: we've already discussed this. im a pussy. plus i dont have any ideas and im lazy. plus im sick of changing jobs.
me: well where are you going with your life? nowhere slowly it looks like.
me: shut the fuck up. you are such an asshole.
me: Fuck You.

nope. nevermind. that always goes bad anyway.

i don't really want to be at work anymore, and really, i could leave now if i wanted except i am waiting for someone. i want more money. i wish that i could work and play at the same time.

boy name i like-- arlington